What Ever Happened to Cheese and Crackers?

Santa is a human napkin. And his reindeer have no manners.

It was hard to watch the Santa our hosts generously hired for the party the kids and I just returned home from without feeling sorry for the jolly old soul.

The following is the short (and sticky) list of what I witnessed wet and dry booger coated children smearing all over Santa as they avoided eye contact with the creepy bearded one while barely mustering the confidence to perhaps fess up that maybe they haven't been so good this year:

Corn dog crumbs. Smeared, from a packet onion dip. Chewed to smithereens, then spit out carrots and celery. And gobs and gobs of godforasaken gourmet reindeer poop. Yes, there's such a dark but sweet treat making the rounds at all the best parties this yuletide. And, yes, it's disgustingly called "reindeer poop."

I've already sampled logs and logs of the salty-sweet Dasher and Blitzen faux edible droppings at two soirees before stepping in it, um, I mean, dipping my hands into it, at today's impressively put-together, surprise Santa visit children's fete. And I lived to tell ... All without having my stomach pumped or contracting worms and/or the flesh-eating virus ebola.

Reindeer poop, according to a mom donning dorky reindeer antlers on her nicely coiffed head with noisy teeny bells dangling from them, is easily made of a mystery crunchy cereal (if you know the brand of this cereal, please clue me in) coated with gooey peanut butter, then smeared in melted chocolate. Finally, the scrumptious concoction is tossed for a snowy effect in powdered sugar.

Allow me to translate for those of you who speak overly health conscious Southern Californian: that's fattening carbs on fattening protein on chocolate flavored fat and sugar tossed with way, way too much of that dirty devil's word ... No, not that! -- Pure, unadulterated, of the powdered variety, refined, white SUGAR!

In short, Greater L.A.-ers, it's better if you're spotted by the paparazzi discovering this type of reindeer poop on the sole of your chic DKNY shoes than to be seen plopping a ball of it in your mouth. Avoid reindeer poop at all costs if you want to fit into your little black dress at the Christmas ball.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Merely looking at this new-fangled party hit reindeer poop dessert mix stuff will put back those flabby five pounds you just liquidated drinking only non-fat, sugar-free Starbucks lattes and only eating exactly six almonds for breakfast, lunch and dinner. When near the tempting dessert table, simply let reindeer poop melt in your French manicured hand, not in your Botox plumped mouth.

If you live outside of vain L.A. (lucky you) and want to go balls-out for a nuttier reindeer poop texture, toss some crushed peanuts or almonds into the mix. Why not go for a chunkier look and blend in a few mini marshmallows?

Seriously, pah-lease, if you should serve this fad du jour dessert at one of your Christmas parties, give your almost too trendy reindeer poop offering a far less revolting name, like Cocaine Dusted Choco-Peanut Droppings, Sagging Goat Balls or Nutty Bunny Pebbles.

Sorry. I can't think of anything undisgusting or even close to clean in the way of alternate names for reindeer poop at the moment. Blame the near O.D. sugar content in the reindeer poop churning along with gastric acids and Seattle's Best coffee in my full on poorly named desserts belly.)

Please stick to cheese and crackers, people.

Have YOU come across any edible reindeer at parties this season?

I've unfortunately seen this this poem floating around the Web along with Reindeer Poop recipes:

Santa saved a precious gift


And it's especially for you.


Just a little something extra


And it comes from Rudolph, too!


He knows that you've been naughty


Instead of being nice.


Once again you're on the bad list


And he's checked it over twice.


Santa hopes this little poem


Doesn't throw you for a loop.


All your getting this year


Is a bunch of reindeer poop!