Tuesday, February 27, 2007

It's All Fun and Games Until Mama Develops and Eye Twitch

I was hoping it was a fluke. Just a passing phase. Like the flutter of an eye.

Nope. I'm not so lucky. It's official, people -- I have developed a permanent eye twitch.

It's as if my right eye lid is possessed, obsessed with shaking like Shakira's jellyfied ba donk a donk butt. Now I have yet more in common with Dr. Evil other than constantly asking myself "Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?"

And apparently it's not going away (like my moles that recently met their fates on my dermatologist's chopping block).

This is what mothering three children born nearly back-to-back will do to you. Ex-zip-it-A: the telltale bitch twitch. Someone signed me up for this without even asking. How rude!

Great. Now I have what's called a tell. Let's call my new eye twitch a mommy tell, shall we? An obvious, dead give-away that I'm constantly trailed by three mini-me's like a ketchup stained wedding gown train with springs attached to it.

What will "they" say about my new perma-blink? (Ever wonder who the nebulous "they" are anyway? If you figure it out, send me "their" address so I can send "them" a nasty-gram via snail mail.)

I imagine what "they" say might go something like this: "Whoa. Look at that crazy chick's eye go! She must be a whacked out, stay-home mom stress case. It's like her lid's got a life of its own. That's just sad."

But wait. My new consta-flicker eye affliction isn't all bad. With my newfound on-and-off eye-cessory I can more accurately aim an even more menacing "mom face," yes, you know what I'm referring to ladies. Yup, it's "the look" I speak of. All moms naturally develop it over time and readily display with uncanny skill when they've "had enough" from the unruly kid ranks. Yes, the "evil eye" we shoot at the kids when on the verge of snapping but cannot raise our voices because we're in public. The look I fire off when I wimp out and opt out of a major freak-out, when I give in and merely dole out yet another threat of a non-effective time-out. But I digress...

... and, yes, it's true that now I can better ward off staring, brimming with bad mommy judgement strangers (you know the kind, the ones who think they can do a better job and who were never, ever antsy kids at the grocery themselves) in the check-out line when I stare back at them with my creepy twitch-o-meter. The faster the twitch, the more offended by their stares I am. So, it's even more creepy now when I ask them to "put their eyes back in their head."

If you're with me on this, twitch on mamas. Get your twitch on.

Hey, I can't be the only one out in the mommy trenches with a mommy "tell." What's yours?

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15 Comments:

At 3:16 PM, Anonymous Estella said...

I get that fucking eye twitch too. Excuse my French, but there is no better word used to describe it. I've scoured the internet for cures, but as we all know, it takes rest and relaxation to eliminate. Mine sometimes last a week long.

Thanks for commenting on my blog, BTW! It's so fun when I get a comment from you. I read 8cm religiously and even though I'm glued to my monitor watching you put a thigh high over your head, I can't ever seem to imagine that you would find my blog readable. It's good to know that I get occasional hits...even when I'm in the slumps.

About the dog--I wanted a dog that could double as a guard dog too! (Not that I really NEED a guard dog out in Hippieville, but it's always a good thing to have a protector.) The thing with a guard dog is that you want to get it when it's a puppy. The best guard dogs are German Sheperds, Dobermans, Rottweilers, Pittbulls...but my fear was that you never know what you're going to get if you adopt an adult of one of those breeds. You just don't know its history or what will make it flip. (Like a 2 year old repeatedly banging it over the head with a frying pan.)

And a puppy? Oh Lord God Almighty. I have enough kids to potty train. Although I bet you could do it. You're kind of a Supermom. Even with the eye twitch.

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger Sandra said...

Twitch on mama. I so get this

 
At 4:10 PM, Blogger Em said...

It's a twitch? Damn, I just thought you were winking at me.

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

There goes your poker game.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Loralee Choate said...

I am not alone! You have to watch THIS
I never thought that anyone could give a penguin the perfect "I am LOSING IT" eye twitch, but they did.

It is one that you feel sort of bad for laughing at and yet you can't help it.

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger liv said...

I thought that the twitch just flared up in times of abject exhaustion...which is somewhat prevalent among mothers. Crap! I have one too!

 
At 11:50 PM, Anonymous karenkt said...

get some rest, SlackerMom... it just CAN'T be permanent. Mine comes and goes with the end of a semester....

 
At 4:49 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

I hate the eye twitch more than anything. Mine comes and goes ...Its great you know, to be a massage therapist who is so spazed out that my eye twitches at my clients as I meet them. Charming really. "No I 'swear' it will be relaxing! Just look at what massage has done for me!"

After the day you had with your non napping babes its no doubt that your eye is twitching!!!

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Twitch on! And be thankful it's not a FULL BODY spasm. Could you imagine?

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The eye twitch doesn't last forever. I thought that it would though I think my eye twitched from my last month of pregnancy up until my son was about 2 or 3 months of age. He's now 4.5 months. It was my eyelid and eyebrow that twitched all day long. It was so annoying. It is due to tiredness I've heard. Please know that it will stop eventually. Just when I'd resigned myself to thinking this would be a permanent condition, it stopped.

 
At 10:53 AM, Anonymous Paige said...

Yep. Got the twitch too. My right eye goes all ker-blinky when I get too tired.

 
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