Friday, October 27, 2006

Toys R Us - The Land of Obscene Misfit Cop Toys?

rofloct

*In the few hours since I published my toy ad satire below, I've received fiery messages from revolted, confused parents/readers who thought it was a real adverstisement for a real toy. Please don't be misled by my penchant for describing my odd, twisted imaginings. Hey, perhaps I should take a stab at the ad biz.

The following is my imaginary ad for an imaginary toy from my perpetually sleep-starved Domestic Slackstress mind. If you make it to the bottom of this post, you'll uncover the news nugget that inspired my fake ad. Yes, it did spring from something factual, timely and parent-relevant. Cut me some slack, people. I'm just having a little fun trying to stay awake so I can take care of my kids, who by the way will NEVER be allowed to read my blog for a slew of valid reasons. I repeat, the following is NOT REAL. The news about an obscene toy at the end of the post, however, is real, and really dumbfounding.

Now, onto my original Toys R Us - The Alleged Land of Obscene Misfit Toys post:
Dear parents in search of the ultimate Christmas toy of the 2006 season,

Look no further. With less than two months left to wrap up your holiday shopping the quest for this year’s perfect present is over. Never fear -- F-word Cop is here!

coptoy

Why F-around when your deserving kids could unwrap the best, most obscene, most F-ing-est toy of the season?

That’s right, adoring moms and dads. Once your sweet Sally gets her innocent paws on this trash talkin’ Jim dandy of a toy, it won’t be long before she’s the most popular pigtailed, f-bomb droppin' cuss-mouth in kindergarten.

On Christmas morning you’ll find yourself satisfyingly saying, “Holy F#$k, this toy’s too good to be true, and so easy for the kids to operate!”

Simply pull F-word Cop’s sturdy nightstick from his fully-stacked utility belt and presto, blam-o, he shouts the F-word likes it gettin’ all Rodney King up in here! Yes, we’re talkin’ the F-WORD, folks, full blast and right in your kid’s face.

Why let them watch the 6 o'clock news when F-word Cop quickly and easily introduces your children to the harsh realities of the world? Give your kids the gift of shockingly realistic police play today.

Don't wait another F-ing minute! Order now and we'll throw in a complimentary crack-ho hooker doll for your young budding cop's arresting pleasure.

Why let your child pussyfoot around with mild obscenities like “darn,” “shoot” and “H-E-doublesticks,” when you can upgrade to hardcore, yes, even F-core, in seconds flat? Go ahead, pat yourself on the F-ing back, discerning parents. You’ve just sent little Johnny off to fully F-credited swear school with F-word Cop, your kid's realistic police partner in crime!

nightstick

Your little one could be the next lucky customer to say goodbye to wholesome, say hello to a mouthful of soap and, yes, even say the one and only F-word.

F-word Cop. Where our motto is: When it comes to toys, we don’t fuck around.

Proudly dropping the f-bomb one kid at a time since 1998.

SERIOUSLY, THIS WEEK A REAL POLICE TOY SAID THE F-WORD
Although writing the above fantasy world toy description was an f-ing ton of fun for me, I feel compelled to let you in on the real deal (if you haven’t already heard).

It seems the toy makers over at Texas-based Tek Nek Toys International L.P. have a knack for accidentally creating frighteningly life-like playthings for kids, like a faulty toy police kit that uttered a prerecorded F-word when a 6-year-old North Carolina boy this week removed the toy’s nightstick from its nifty utility belt.

Big F-ing mistake, Tek Nek. You f'd with the wrong kind of person. No, I'm not talking about the kid. I'm talking about the child's parent. Hell hath no fury like a parent scorned. There's no telling what we might do when someone (or something) has done our children wrong. Doesn't Tek Nek know parents are the only ones allowed to accidentally swear in front of our precious kids?

To read more about the angry parent/dissatisfied Tek Nek cutsomer who recently implored Toys R Us to test every single suspect-of-swearing toy police kit from its shelves, check out today's CBS News report on the sore subject.

This bad daddy misfit toy is definitely headlining my Christmas list, not for my kids though. How’d you think the hubster would like to see me wearing such an obscene plaything? We’d have a blast *ROFL’ing in handcuffs, that is until the kids bust us playing cops ‘n robbers with the most offensive F-ing toy of the season.

*(ROFL = Rolling On the Floor Laughing ... Yeah, I know ... more dorky blog-speak. It took me a while to catch on this silly acronym too.)

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WTF, you've got to be f-ing kidding me? F- this S-!

 
At 6:19 PM, Anonymous Momish said...

That was just too f-ing hysterical!! You definately should look into writing descriptions. I was ROFL! Especially the part where it is only us doting parents who can drop the f-bomb in front of our kids. So true!

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I can't believe they made a toy like that. How insane!!!

Although I have to wonder if maybe he was just mis-hearing the word "stop." It's possible! I mean, I used to think Jimi Hendrix said "Excuse me while I kiss this guy..."

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Thank you so much for explaining the ROFL thing. I have seen it a few times and was scared to show my ignorance by asking! Very imaginative and slightly disturbing post! It is scary what the powers that be put out for our children. My mom still has the Tarzan doll that looks like he is masturbating when you move his arm up and down. ( His fist faces inward and hits at just the right spot.) She bought it before they pulled it from the shelf.

 
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