Monday, October 23, 2006

Mommy, What's the Playboy Mansion?

playboy_bunny_logo
So I’m in the minivan driving my three kiddos home from NFL Flag Football practice. There I am in 5 o’ clock traffic, impatiently crisscrossing through a sea of angry red brake lights while trying to hear the latest NPR news on who North Korea will blow up first -- itself or us -- when my 5-year-old son drops his own atomic bomb in my lap without really knowing it:

“Mom, what’s the Playboy Mansion?”

Insert screech of minivan tires jerking to a halt. ‘Good thing we were merely inching along in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

What the hell? No he didn’t. There’s no way! Maybe he said haunted mansion. Yeah, haunted. Halloween’s coming up, right? He definitely said haunted. Wait a minute, he did!

“Can you say that I again, honey? I don’t think I heard you right.”

“Yeah. Um, mom, what’s the Playboy Mansion and, like, who lives there? And where is this mansion place anyway?”

“Wait, wait, WAIT! Hold your horses a minute, all right? Where’d you hear about the dang Playboy Mansion in the first place?”

“I asked you a question first, mom. Where’s the Playboy Mansion? Have you been there? Can I go? When can you take me to the Playboy Mansion?”

“J-j-just stop asking so many questions and answer mine first! I’m the mom. Answer me then I’ll answer you. Now, mommy asked you how you know about the Playboy Mansion. Go on and tell me, honey. I promise I won’t get mad. Scouts honor. I swear.” (Oh, how we moms lie through our Crest Whitening Stripped teeth. We’re not nearly the sanitized saints society says we are on Mother’s Day.)

“Well, this morning, in daddy’s mishu-beeshi (Mitsubishi for those of you who don't speak kid) … on the way to school … um … You sure you won’t get mad?” (Way to go, daddy. Training ‘em young to cover your ass.)

No he did NOT just say DAD’s car! I thought our little adults-only radio problem had already poof gone away.

“I already promised I won’t get mad. C’mon, babe. Just finish what you were saying about dad's car.”

“No. Not mad at me. I mean dad. Will you get mad at dad if I tell you?”

“You betcha’ I’m gonna’ be mad at dad if you heard about the Playboy Mansion in his car. Are you guys still listening to Adam Corolla on the way to school?”

“Mom, don’t worry 'bout it. Adam Corolla’s a funny guy. I like him. But Mommmm … You’re still not telling me what the Playboy Mansion is!”

playboy_mansion
“Okay … your dad’s in deep on this one but I’ll worry about that later. I’ve already asked him four times to quit letting you listen to Adam Corolla in the morning. It’s sooooo not age appropriate for you.”

“Mom, mom. Pa-lease! I’m soooo old enough for that stuff. I understand everything that funny guy’s saying. We’re so still going to listen to him even if you don’t like it. It’s our guy time. Me and dad bein’ guys.”

I’ll deal with mister guy-dad later. He’s sooooo DEAD. Just wait until I see him! I can’t believe he’s allowing, even encouraging, our impressionable 5-year-old son to listen to that nasal, annoying, buck-toothed comic piggie from The Man Show, the former Loveline sidekick of Dr. Drew Pinsky (who I briefly wrote for way back in my short pre-baby factory journalism life).

*By the way, if it’s not in quotes here, trust me, I didn’t say it to my son in the minivan today. I’m way too sensitive to let anything like “Dad is sooo dead” slip in front of the kids. I wouldn't want to scare them into thinking I'm the horrible nag that I am, now would I? Again, it’s the perfection complex. They just can’t know that I’m going to rip dad a new one and possibly put him on you-know-what-probation to boot.*

OH ... MY ... GOD! Did my innocent little mister perfect feminist-raised 5-year-old boy just equate listening to sleezy botox’d skanks jacked up on silicone double-d’s throwing themselves at a greasy male chauvinist shock jock jerk with precious daddy bonding time? Well, shit. I used to watch ho-slappin’ Brit-perv Benny Hill with my family when I was only five and I’m not at all perverted. Not even close. Clearly, another shameless lie.

“Mom, mom … mom … You STILL haven’t told me what the Playboy Mansion is!!!”

Okay, mama on the spot. ‘Better make up something good but not too much of a fib because you’re supposed to be fundamentally opposed to lying in the first place but more importantly lying to your kids. Just a teeny white lie. C’mon girl. Whaddya’ got?

“Well, um … The Playboy Mansion, now that you bring it up, is … um … a place where a lot of bunnies live.”

“Cool. Bunnies. Yes! That’s just what I was thinking. I didn’t really know because dad switched the station right after the guy said I could win, like, a whole 10 bucks if I answered a question about this strange place, the Playboy Mansion. Know what’s even cooler than all that wicked good prize money, mom?”

“No. You’re killing me, kid! What? What’s cooler than 10 whole bucks?”

“If I win the contest Adam Corrolla will take me to the Playboy Mansion! I’ll get to see all the animals!”

adam_corolla
“So you’re asking me about the Playboy Mansion to see if you can answer Adam Corolla’s ridiculous question on the radio tomorrow morning, so you can win the whole 10 smackers and a trip inside Hugh Hefner’s secret lair? Absolutely not! You don’t even know what they do there. 'Hate to break your heart but you're not even old enough to qualify for a contest like that.”

“Who’s Hugh Feffler. Heffler. Whatever. Who is this guy. Is it his house? What DO the bunnies do at Feffler's house, mom?”

“You see, there’s a lot of wild bunnies running around there.”

“Hopping, you mean, right mom. Bunnies hop. They don’t run.”

“Thanks, smarty pants. Yeah, I suppose you could say they hop. Maybe up and down even. As I was saying, the Playboy Mansion is a great big house where bunnies live and throw parties. There's other animals too. They’re all animals there.”

“Even monkeys and lions, mom?”

“Yes, even monkeys and lions.” You’d have to live under a rock to not know that old Heff collects wild animals and keeps a few on the posh premises.

“So how do we get invited to one of Feffler’s animal parties, mom? Are they having a real Halloween party with costumes and spooky stuff and everything?”

“I already tried to get into the Playboy Mansion … a long time ago. They wouldn’t let me in. It’s a long story, honey. Why am I even telling you this?”

“Oooh … tell me, mommy. Tell me.”

“Heck NO!”

“Why not?!”

“Because it’s as inappropriate for young ears like yours as waking up to the Adam Corolla show every day on your way to kindergarten, that’s why! Now don’t ask me to tell you anything else about the Playboy Mansion. And from now on I’m taking you to kindergarten.”

Stupid me … Getting my panties all in a bunch and letting my son see me steam over his unexpected Playboy Mansion interrogation. It won’t be long before his smart ass finds out it’s home to practically every American man’s dream, even paradise.

“Aw, mom. Not my special dad time. You can’t take that away.” (.. and I didn't. I was talking through my ... because I was pissed. Of course my husband will still take him to school ... right after I rip his car speakers out ...)

Just then my middle child, 3-year-old Moody Cheeks McGee, chimes in from his backseat booster chair with his own burning preschool Playboy Mansion question. … and all along I thought he wasn’t listening.

“Mama, do ‘dees bunnies at da’ Big Boy Man-shun … do ‘dees bunnies bite?”

“Yeah, honey. Sometimes the bunnies bite, just like any other wild, untamed animal from time to time.” (You bet I’d bite a pillow too if I had to give it up to old toupee-lidded Heff every night in front of all his other paid-off-with-Porsches harem honeys.)

good_ol_heff
What I didn’t tell The Maestro of Mouth, my curious 5-year-old kindergartner son, is that I did in fact make a personal pit stop at old Heff’s palatial pad about ten years back, when I first arrived still practically a tourist in California from New Hampshire. My husband and I had just wrapped up the obligatory Star Maps tour of Beverly Hills. What celebrity home tour would be complete without the big Playboy Mansion finish at 10236 Charing Cross Road, right?

Once we reached the top of the long, thickly wooded driveway, I bounded out of my husband’s old beater Jeep, the one he painstakingly rebuilt in order to party all the way across the country a year before I made the trek to the Golden State, and self-assuredly approached a speaker that was apparently built to look like a rock. I’m not sure if it’s still there behind the security gate. Let me know if you happen by there. Maybe my memory is going and it wasn't a rock at all. I just know I remember speaking into a rock. Don't ask what I drank that day.

What would a green 21-year-old girl, then a size 4 and in decent shape, purl sultrily into Hugh Hefner’s security rock? “Hey, I’ll show you my boobs if you let me in?” I said, barley placing my fingertips on the bottom hem of my T-shirt. I never would've done it. Serious.

“Fat chance!” Heff’s mystery rock snapped at me.

Right. I’m chopped liver now. I was chopped liver then. I’m okay with that. I can live with my aesthetic mediocrity. I’m cool. Sort of.

Fat chance is right. Fat chance my 5-year-old son’s going to win an exclusive bunny-led insider tour of the Playboy Mansion! And fat chance my husband will ever stop listening to Adam Corolla’s completely child-inappropriate filth on the way to kindergarten either. (Hey, I’d probably listen to him too if my kids WEREN’T buckled in behind me.)

Did I ever tell you about the time my son asked me who Tom Leykis is? I'm not quite ready to tell him about that bloated Flash Friday-ing, misogynist a-hole! One R-rated radio show at a time, please.

By the way, I thought I’d slyly coerce my husband into finally quitting his Adam Corolla on the way to school habit by falsely telling him our son got in trouble for talking about the Playboy Mansion in class. Bad idea.

All it took for him to dig up the truth was heading straight to the source, his main man in the morning, our five-year-old son who aspires to be the next guest at the Playboy Mansion.

32 Comments:

At 11:16 PM, Blogger FreeThinker said...

I've been dreaming of the fabled Playboy Mansion visit since I was 5 ...

40 years later, it's still a dream ...

 
At 2:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes a little white lie helps, it's just a big house where an old man lives who has lots of money!

 
At 4:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohhh, the things you learn about your children after they leave the nest.
Expose yourself to get in the "MANSION"????
Shame, shame,
PS. Can you tell me more about that contest please.
Keep up the good work.
Love you.
DAD

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger QueenieBadd said...

Eeeessssh-is this what I have to look forward to you?

And I have to say-offering to show the gate guard your boobs-at the Playboy Mansion? That guy was probably up to his elbows in boobs. You should have offered him some intelligent conversation-probably a rarity around there-now THAT might've gotten you in.

 
At 8:00 PM, Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

Ha, ha, haaaa! Oh the things these kiddos say and oooh the trouble they get their daddies into! Luckily for me, no such blurbs yet!

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger mad muthas said...

well - i only understod about half of that (who IS tom leykis?) - but it was still as funny as hell! would have loved to be a fly on the wall when your old men got home ... (and i don't mean 'old'in the hefnerish sense)

 
At 7:32 PM, Anonymous you da mom! said...

it's midly disturbing, but not as disturbing as, say, a 5-year-old screaming, "flava FLAV!"

 
At 12:11 AM, Anonymous Halloween Parties said...

If you make it inside, the music is rocking and gets into your soul, your body starts moving and dancing to the pulsating beat. Everyone is in costume, and you’ll find yourself surrounded by over 1,000 beautiful women all there to party with as many men as possible.

 
At 7:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone loves it when individuals come together and share thoughts.
Great blog, keep it up!

Also visit my web page; オークリー ゴーグル レディース

 
At 9:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just like the helpful information you supply on your articles.
I'll bookmark your weblog and take a look at again here regularly. I am moderately certain I'll be told
lots of new stuff right here! Good luck for the next!


My web page ... レイバンサングラス

 
At 4:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a topic which is near to my heart... Cheers!
Exactly where are your contact details though?


Feel free to visit my page: 激安レイバン

 
At 8:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great delivery. Great arguments. Keep up the good spirit.


my site; オークリー

 
At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all of us you actually realize what you
are talking about! Bookmarked. Kindly also discuss with my website =).
We will have a link exchange agreement among us

my page ... オークリー サングラス

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great delivery. Sound arguments. Keep up the great effort.


Have a look at my homepage レイバン

 
At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's an remarkable article designed for all the online users; they will get benefit from it I am sure.

Here is my web blog - レイバンサングラス

 
At 6:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello! I'm at work surfing around your blog from my new iphone 4! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the outstanding work!

Here is my weblog - エアジョーダン

 
At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there, I read your new stuff like every week. Your humoristic style is witty, keep up the good work!


My homepage :: prada バッグ

 
At 7:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great beat ! I would like to apprentice
at the same time as you amend your site, how can i subscribe for
a blog website? The account helped me a applicable deal.
I have been a little bit familiar of this your broadcast provided bright transparent idea

Feel free to surf to my weblog モンスター イヤホン

 
At 3:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am curious to find out what blog platform you're working with? I'm having some minor security problems with my latest website
and I would like to find something more safe. Do you have
any suggestions?

Look at my page :: アバクロンビー

 
At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but
I find this matter to be actually something which I think I would
never understand. It seems too complicated and extremely
broad for me. I'm looking forward for your next post, I'll try to get the hang of it!



Also visit my web page ... ロレックスコピー

 
At 11:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's actually a nice and useful piece of information. I am glad that you shared this useful info with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

Feel free to visit my page: monster beats

 
At 11:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout in your blog. Is that this a paid subject matter or did you customize it your self? Either way keep up the excellent high quality writing, it is rare to look a nice weblog like this one today..

Here is my blog post :: www.monsterbeatsphones-vip.com

 
At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greate pieces. Keep posting such kind of info on your page.

Im really impressed by it.
Hey there, You've done an incredible job. I'll definitely digg it and individually recommend
to my friends. I'm confident they'll be benefited from this web site.


My site www.abercrombiefitchoutlet-sale.com

 
At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sure this paragraph has touched all the internet viewers,
its really really nice post on building up new webpage.

Also visit my page - プラダ バッグ

 
At 5:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with Search Engine Optimization?
I'm trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I'm not
seeing very good success. If you know of any please share.

Kudos!

Also visit my web-site - ロレックスコピー

 
At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greetings from California! I'm bored at work so I decided to browse your site on my iphone during lunch break. I really like the information you provide here and can't wait
to take a look when I get home. I'm surprised at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I'm not even using WIFI,
just 3G .. Anyways, awesome site!

Feel free to surf to my website - モンスタービート

 
At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Howdy fantastic website! Does running a blog like this require a lot of work?

I have no expertise in coding however I was hoping to
start my own blog in the near future. Anyways, if you have
any recommendations or techniques for new blog owners please share.
I understand this is off subject nevertheless I simply needed to ask.
Kudos!

Have a look at my web page ... アバクロンビーフィッチシャツ

 
At 1:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's in fact very complicated in this busy life to listen news on Television, so I simply use web for that reason, and get the latest news.

Also visit my web-site; chloebagshop.soup.io

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

nike outlet, polo outlet, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet, prada outlet, michael kors outlet, nike free, tory burch outlet, michael kors outlet store, uggs outlet, christian louboutin outlet, jordan shoes, oakley sunglasses wholesale, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, nike air max, longchamp outlet, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet, prada handbags, polo ralph lauren outlet online, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet, christian louboutin, burberry outlet, louis vuitton outlet, ugg boots, gucci handbags, nike air max, michael kors outlet online, louis vuitton, tiffany and co, louis vuitton, christian louboutin shoes, uggs on sale, replica watches, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, replica watches, christian louboutin uk, burberry handbags, michael kors outlet online, tiffany jewelry, uggs outlet

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

coach outlet, sac hermes, nike tn, louboutin pas cher, jordan pas cher, new balance, sac longchamp pas cher, true religion outlet, hogan outlet, michael kors pas cher, hollister pas cher, air max, nike roshe, longchamp pas cher, timberland pas cher, hollister uk, burberry pas cher, coach outlet, lululemon canada, nike blazer pas cher, true religion outlet, polo lacoste, ray ban pas cher, coach outlet store online, north face, michael kors outlet, nike air max, guess pas cher, kate spade, chanel handbags, ray ban uk, nike free run, kate spade outlet, true religion outlet, oakley pas cher, true religion jeans, north face uk, sac vanessa bruno, michael kors, converse pas cher, nike air force, coach purses, michael kors, vans pas cher, polo ralph lauren

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

polo lacoste, sac vanessa bruno, ray ban pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike free run, nike air force, michael kors, north face, hogan outlet, coach purses, oakley pas cher, new balance, sac longchamp pas cher, nike air max, coach outlet, true religion jeans, chanel handbags, north face uk, polo ralph lauren, kate spade, longchamp pas cher, michael kors, coach outlet, timberland pas cher, nike blazer pas cher, burberry pas cher, true religion outlet, louboutin pas cher, nike tn, nike roshe, sac hermes, air max, lululemon canada, jordan pas cher, guess pas cher, vans pas cher, true religion outlet, converse pas cher, true religion outlet, kate spade outlet, michael kors outlet, ray ban uk, coach outlet store online, michael kors pas cher, hollister uk

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

hollister, louis vuitton, montre pas cher, pandora jewelry, links of london, louis vuitton, thomas sabo, lancel, louis vuitton, coach outlet, louboutin, hollister, replica watches, nike air max, converse, vans, doke gabbana, michael kors outlet, ugg, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, supra shoes, pandora jewelry, louis vuitton, pandora uk, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, ralph lauren, swarovski crystal, swarovski, karen millen uk, juicy couture outlet, oakley, ray ban, converse outlet, ugg pas cher, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet online, gucci, michael kors handbags, ugg uk, iphone 6 cases, juicy couture outlet, timberland boots, pandora charms, wedding dresses, toms shoes, marc jacobs

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home