Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I Wanna' Be a Krispy Kreme Guzzling Queen

On the Verge of Glazing Over
I so badly wanted to surrender my morning madness wearied body to the conveyer belt at Krispy Kreme today, unhinge my jaws and suck the sweet creamy nectar from the liquid sugar Niagra Falls-style glazing machine. Mmm. Finger-lickin' Krispy Kreme-ness.

Yes, yes, YES! Take me away Krispy Kreme! Forget Calgon. Who uses that chemically jacked, sensitive bits irritating bubble bath crap anymore anyhow? Nope. A fragrant tub of scalding water just doesn’t cut it as stress relief for me these days, especially not when I have a hardcore hankering for a saturated fat-drenched, powdered sugar-dusted escape.

(Speaking of “hankering” do any of you remember the early 80s ABC TV PSA with the lanky legged cheese cartoon blob who sang, “I hanker for a hunk-a, a slab, a slice, a chunk-a, I hanker for a hunk-a cheese!”? Revisit the creepy-cheesy cowboy source of your childhood nightmares with these videos I dredged up from Yahoo. What a memory trip!)

As I was saying, a long, nice, pruney soak doesn't even come close to the instant decompression I require these days. Not when my kitchen sink doubles as an oversized Petri dish. Not when the boys’ toilet has whole-wheat high-fiber battle scar skid marks loitering beneath its sticky lid. Yes, I went there. Sorry. And especially not when my stagnant-aired bedroom reeks like moldy vegemite from Down Under (Australia, ya' sickos).

I’m in grave need (or desire) of a maid because, well, I’m a lazy housekeeper. Perhaps even to the point of breeding biohazards. The last thing I feel like doing at the end of a frenzied day playing kindergarten, preschool and Krispy Creme field trip chauffeur is Ajax-scrubbing my unmanicured fingers raw along the fermenting kitchen counters.

Yup, once again I gleefully balled up my chore list into something better, something much more fun - two well-deserved points slam dunked into the overflowing garbage can. Next time I might resort to flames. Insert evil insano cackle here. It wouldn’t be the first To Do list I’ve rendered to ash. Stay tuned for a forthcoming incriminating post titled “Confessions of a SAHM Pyro Freak Lady.” Don’t hold your breath. Just hide the matches, k'?

No really, instead of taking out the trash spilling over with steam-poofed-like-Jiffy-Pop pee-bag Huggies and diligently extricating the leaning tower of laundry into anal retentive color categories, I opted for edible escape.

Can the Kiddies See Beyond the Grease Splatter Marks?
I dragged coughing and sniffling Moody Cheeks McGee, 3, and Pigtail Sprite, 2, to the artery-clogging capital of the developed world: Krispy Kreme, the holy grail of glazed unidentifiable food stuffs stamped into the shape big, fat open pie-holes (a.k.a. mouths in case you live in the dark ages).

Having grown up in New Hampshire, I prefer Dunkin Donuts but they’re in short supply on the West Coast. But what the hexagon, as my son the Maestro of Mouth so nerd-ily says. A donut’s a donut, unless of course it’s a tantalizingly crimped to perfection “D n’ D” French cruller, that is.

Hell, today I deserve five million dozen (is that a number?!) chocolate-yarmulke'd, raspberry jelly-bloated, grease-dripping rewards for my harried but successful three-kid, two-school morning shuffle.

I'd like to see how far you’d get finagling three sleepy-headed cantankerous non-morning kids ages six and under into their dew chilled car seats at 7:30 a.m. on a vacant bitchy belly?

Mouth’s daily kindergarten drop-off, which thankfully I’m only responsible for when my husband’s away on business, went off without a hitch, even on-time, which is gravely out of character for me. Perfect that is until Mouth snubbed my request for a goodbye squeeze.

”Just go, Mom,” Mouth rasped under his breath, shooing me away with his hand. “Please, Mommy. I’ll be fine.”

I suppose it was inevitable. But it's official now: Mouth’s too cool to kiss and hug his mom and younger sibs in front of his big, cool older kid/upper grade school friends. I just didn’t expect the first big blow-off to happen so soon, whilst my first-born baby’s still just a kindergarten newbie. Aw. Sniff, sniff. Again, enter Krispy Kreme sugary coping strategy.

A little maternal disappointment is nothing a super sweet Krispy Kreme festive Halloween sprinkled donut can’t fix in only two ravenous chipmunk cheek bites.

Being the mushy PDA-loving dork butt that I am, I don't think I ever stopped kissing my mom and dad goodbye in public, no matter where we were or who we were in front of.

My Dad's Favorite Beer - The Silver Bullet, Coors Light
Actually, now that I think of it, I used to beg my dad to drop me off nearly a quarter-mile from my high school because I was embarrassed of his eerily bullet shaped silver Toyota space-minivan. He so tastefully had it custom painted with a Coors Light beer can firing off like a “silver bullet” trailed by, you guessed it, ingenious whispy smoke streaks suggestive of shots fired. Yup, my dad hired someone to paint a beer can on the driver’s side of his minivan. Top that, one-uppers.

A lazy couch potato teenager like me had to be thoroughly mortified to hoof it even a pinch of the way to school. And to think I was willing to jeopardize my colossal, eagle winged, metal-head feathered Aqua Net shellacked hair flaps amid the damp New England elements!

I could rant infinitely but I suspect you’re already at capacity. Besides, I have a hot, steamy, drippy, sticky date with the last gooey Krispy Kreme I hid from Pigtail Sprite after she unknowingly sat down on it in the van. It's deflated but salvageable, not unlike my retired from breastfeeding milk duds.

Bon appetit and bon nuit!


At 2:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Kim, Just be grateful Aiden is going to school OK. When his Uncle started school he used to cry everytime I put him on the school bus, only to discover that he loved school and had no tears at all when he got off the bus. Just wanted to give me a hard time I think!!
Love Mary

At 6:39 AM, Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

Hi Kim,

Thank you for dropping by my place and sorry for my delayed reply and dropping in on you! I can soooooo relate to the kiddy drama! I've got me a couple of nutty bohemians and oh my! who knew my biggest ambition in life would be to sit on my ass?

I am not back home in SF yet! I am stuck in Spain in what has become a nightmare that prompted my foray into blogging and now that we have decided to move back there is much nuttiness to deal with but once our house sells we shall be home free!

Just thought I would say a little hello! Thank you so much for the linkage and I will gladly do the same on both my sites once I have the nutty ones in bed and a silence-filled house all to myself!

Mine are easily bribed with chocolate soymilk these days! Oh the things we must do to cope! ;-P

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous CroutonBoy said...

I would LOVE to have a mini-van with a flying Coors Light on the side for the SOLE PURPOSE of embarassing my kids. But I live in New York...where the hell would I park it?

By the way, your dreams are about to come true:


At 2:19 PM, Blogger mad muthas said...

dja know - i've never had krispy kreme - not through any great self control, but because it's only recently made it over to the uk. also, i find this whole watching the thing actually being dunked into sizzling saturated fat a bit too explicit. i prefer to pretend to myself that such things just don't happen (a bit like queen victoria and the lesbians). if the donuts are divorced from the process, at least i'm not confronted with the fact of what they do to my arteries. anyway ... i actually had to hide round the corner when the twins came home on the school bus. that's how embarrassing i am.

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