How I Blew as a Mom Today, Let Me Count the Ways

The ways I sucked as a mother today (yet another Domestic Slackstress exercise in confession as catharsis):

- I slurped the leftover milk from my cereal bowl in front of the kids at breakfast table this morning, then drank theirs ten times more noisily while they cackled. Anything to keep their infectious, addictive belly laughs coming.

- I allowed them to gargle whatever milk I hadn’t already filched from their bowls of soggy Honey Nut Cheerios. It was a classic case of “do as I do.” Instant lesson reinforcement of a different, milkier kind.

- I brushed one out of my three kids’ teeth without toothpaste. And I use the word “brush” generously. It was more like held the electric toothbrush on the same jagged eye tooth for five seconds while taming her brother’s Billy Idol bed head. Yet again zooming to school on time trumped fighting fuzzy teeth. What can I say? At least it wasn’t my kindergartner blowing morning breath at his new classmates today.

- I raided all three kids’ piggy banks for gas money, then spent it on an overpriced latte. Thank goodness for Visa gift cards left under the couch from Christmas, then rediscovered when needed the most…

- I caved and let my daughter eat a Ziploc bag of stale Ruffles potato chips … for, um, breakfast. Maybe I should have used toothpaste on her chippy teeth after all. She refused to eat any thing else. Next time I’ll wait until she’s so hungry she’ll eat whatever I’m serving, which will hopefully have less saturated fat than even one of those ridged, deep-fried potato shaving thingys that taste so good shellacked with Ranch dip.

- I threatened my 3-year-old son with having to personally phone the ER doctor that stapled his head two weeks ago when I found him jumping on the couch yet again. “You can tell Dr. So-and-So that you want more staples in your head if you keep that up.” Mean. Just plain mean. He got right down and found something safer to do – spinning to the point of dizziness on the slate floor in the kitchen. I should just invest in my own staple gun. Wait, we have one in the garage.

- I lied to my 2-year-old daughter when she asked me to lay down in her bed to put her to sleep, a bad habit I’m desperate to break, telling her that I’d be right back after going to the bathroom. I never came back. She woke up in a sweaty panic an hour later, crying, “You still in da’ potty, mama? I’m waiting. Where aw’ you? You okay?”

- I let my kids continue to play with their fire hazard Easy Bake Oven despite today’s media blitz. I even showed them how to light the darn thing with a match. Okay, you got me … I made this one up. I swear all my other confessions are true. We don’t even have one of those dinky microwaves disguised as a sickeningly pink, tacky homemaker in the making toy … Try a real oven, people. Kids can learn to cook just as easily the old fashioned way with old-fashioned tools and machines. No one wants to teach kids how to cook without the EasyBake crutch anymore because real ovens cause real burns and demand real adult/parent supervision. Who has time to supervise anything these days?

Fellow mamas, did you do anything worth confessing today? If yes, I hope it didn't involve a crack pipe or a faulty EasyBake oven. I don't know which is worse.

Ps. I deserve not to be judged for my maternal imperfections today, the day the TV never once went on in my house. A TV-free day should nullify all of my mistakes. All my confessions are hereby expunged from my record.