Tuesday, February 06, 2007

How I Blew as a Mom Today, Let Me Count the Ways

The ways I sucked as a mother today (yet another Domestic Slackstress exercise in confession as catharsis):

- I slurped the leftover milk from my cereal bowl in front of the kids at breakfast table this morning, then drank theirs ten times more noisily while they cackled. Anything to keep their infectious, addictive belly laughs coming.

- I allowed them to gargle whatever milk I hadn’t already filched from their bowls of soggy Honey Nut Cheerios. It was a classic case of “do as I do.” Instant lesson reinforcement of a different, milkier kind.

- I brushed one out of my three kids’ teeth without toothpaste. And I use the word “brush” generously. It was more like held the electric toothbrush on the same jagged eye tooth for five seconds while taming her brother’s Billy Idol bed head. Yet again zooming to school on time trumped fighting fuzzy teeth. What can I say? At least it wasn’t my kindergartner blowing morning breath at his new classmates today.

- I raided all three kids’ piggy banks for gas money, then spent it on an overpriced latte. Thank goodness for Visa gift cards left under the couch from Christmas, then rediscovered when needed the most…

- I caved and let my daughter eat a Ziploc bag of stale Ruffles potato chips … for, um, breakfast. Maybe I should have used toothpaste on her chippy teeth after all. She refused to eat any thing else. Next time I’ll wait until she’s so hungry she’ll eat whatever I’m serving, which will hopefully have less saturated fat than even one of those ridged, deep-fried potato shaving thingys that taste so good shellacked with Ranch dip.

- I threatened my 3-year-old son with having to personally phone the ER doctor that stapled his head two weeks ago when I found him jumping on the couch yet again. “You can tell Dr. So-and-So that you want more staples in your head if you keep that up.” Mean. Just plain mean. He got right down and found something safer to do – spinning to the point of dizziness on the slate floor in the kitchen. I should just invest in my own staple gun. Wait, we have one in the garage.

- I lied to my 2-year-old daughter when she asked me to lay down in her bed to put her to sleep, a bad habit I’m desperate to break, telling her that I’d be right back after going to the bathroom. I never came back. She woke up in a sweaty panic an hour later, crying, “You still in da’ potty, mama? I’m waiting. Where aw’ you? You okay?”

- I let my kids continue to play with their fire hazard Easy Bake Oven despite today’s media blitz. I even showed them how to light the darn thing with a match. Okay, you got me … I made this one up. I swear all my other confessions are true. We don’t even have one of those dinky microwaves disguised as a sickeningly pink, tacky homemaker in the making toy … Try a real oven, people. Kids can learn to cook just as easily the old fashioned way with old-fashioned tools and machines. No one wants to teach kids how to cook without the EasyBake crutch anymore because real ovens cause real burns and demand real adult/parent supervision. Who has time to supervise anything these days?

Fellow mamas, did you do anything worth confessing today? If yes, I hope it didn't involve a crack pipe or a faulty EasyBake oven. I don't know which is worse.

Ps. I deserve not to be judged for my maternal imperfections today, the day the TV never once went on in my house. A TV-free day should nullify all of my mistakes. All my confessions are hereby expunged from my record.

15 Comments:

At 3:14 AM, Anonymous chris said...

i checked the book and you are right- all maternal misdeeds are null and void during a tv-free day! my kids have been snowed/frozen out of going ANYwhere for the last 4 days, so my list would look like the manhattan phone book. carry on, mom, carry on!

 
At 5:03 AM, Blogger Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

You are wonderful.

Thank you for confessing your 'barely there' sins...

 
At 6:02 AM, Blogger In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Awesome post. We all have days like that. I can totally relate.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger crazymumma said...

You sound like a mom I know....hmmmm, would that be moi?

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

Hey we didn't have the tv on either till dinner time!

Whoot!

That means I don't need to talk about all the other stuff!

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger Awesome Mom said...

My one year old ate some sidewalk chalk that I had carelessly left with in his reach. Why anyone would want to eat that I have no idea, but he took a big chomp and was trying for another when I caught him.

 
At 6:44 PM, Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

Awww I could totally hear her little voice worried that you were hurt on the potty!! Go lay in bed with that sweetie!!! LOL.

 
At 1:02 AM, Blogger mad muthas said...

could you adopt me, please?

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger Em said...

OMG these are funny! And part of what makes it so funny is that I've done so many of these! I mean, I slurp milk from the cereal bowl EVERY day! Fortunately my kids are too old for Easy Bake ovens, so we just let them play with the real oven.

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger KELLI BELLY said...

I let my two year old play with a bowel full of marbles today. WITH her binky in of course! She doesn't put stuff in her mouth anymore but still. CHOKING HAZARD!

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger KELLI BELLY said...

Oh, and I've totally raided the piggy bank before, went to Target, bought a whole bunch of stuff then let my daughter pick something out from the $ spot.

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

nike outlet, polo outlet, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet, prada outlet, michael kors outlet, nike free, tory burch outlet, michael kors outlet store, uggs outlet, christian louboutin outlet, jordan shoes, oakley sunglasses wholesale, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, nike air max, longchamp outlet, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet, prada handbags, polo ralph lauren outlet online, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet, christian louboutin, burberry outlet, louis vuitton outlet, ugg boots, gucci handbags, nike air max, michael kors outlet online, louis vuitton, tiffany and co, louis vuitton, christian louboutin shoes, uggs on sale, replica watches, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, replica watches, christian louboutin uk, burberry handbags, michael kors outlet online, tiffany jewelry, uggs outlet

 
At 7:26 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

coach outlet, sac hermes, nike tn, louboutin pas cher, jordan pas cher, new balance, sac longchamp pas cher, true religion outlet, hogan outlet, michael kors pas cher, hollister pas cher, air max, nike roshe, longchamp pas cher, timberland pas cher, hollister uk, burberry pas cher, coach outlet, lululemon canada, nike blazer pas cher, true religion outlet, polo lacoste, ray ban pas cher, coach outlet store online, north face, michael kors outlet, nike air max, guess pas cher, kate spade, chanel handbags, ray ban uk, nike free run, kate spade outlet, true religion outlet, oakley pas cher, true religion jeans, north face uk, sac vanessa bruno, michael kors, converse pas cher, nike air force, coach purses, michael kors, vans pas cher, polo ralph lauren

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

polo lacoste, sac vanessa bruno, ray ban pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike free run, nike air force, michael kors, north face, hogan outlet, coach purses, oakley pas cher, new balance, sac longchamp pas cher, nike air max, coach outlet, true religion jeans, chanel handbags, north face uk, polo ralph lauren, kate spade, longchamp pas cher, michael kors, coach outlet, timberland pas cher, nike blazer pas cher, burberry pas cher, true religion outlet, louboutin pas cher, nike tn, nike roshe, sac hermes, air max, lululemon canada, jordan pas cher, guess pas cher, vans pas cher, true religion outlet, converse pas cher, true religion outlet, kate spade outlet, michael kors outlet, ray ban uk, coach outlet store online, michael kors pas cher, hollister uk

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

hollister, louis vuitton, montre pas cher, pandora jewelry, links of london, louis vuitton, thomas sabo, lancel, louis vuitton, coach outlet, louboutin, hollister, replica watches, nike air max, converse, vans, doke gabbana, michael kors outlet, ugg, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, supra shoes, pandora jewelry, louis vuitton, pandora uk, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, ralph lauren, swarovski crystal, swarovski, karen millen uk, juicy couture outlet, oakley, ray ban, converse outlet, ugg pas cher, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet online, gucci, michael kors handbags, ugg uk, iphone 6 cases, juicy couture outlet, timberland boots, pandora charms, wedding dresses, toms shoes, marc jacobs

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home