Sunday, April 29, 2007

Washed Up Jellyfish or Breast Implants?

Never dress your kids in long sleeves and jeans for an April day at the beach in San Diego. They'll look like a trio of displaced city folk whose mom was up all night smoking crack. What was I thinking?

We ventured an hour and a half south with the kids this weekend to take part in a luau/outrigging competition/charity event that my husband's company sponsored. While my smoker Hubster huffed, puffed and rowed his way to second place (the buff U.S. Coast Guard eye candy team snagged first-place, no brainer), I miserably failed at being in three places at once (chasing my trio of unruly children). Frankly, it was embarrassing to wield so little control over my chitlins at the somewhat high-profile, fancy-schmancy function.

Pigtails trailblazed alone, sandblown and completely out of sight toward the teriaki glazed luau food tent scrounging for a third serving of the "sticky blue stuff" (super dense factory prefab cotton candy) while her barely beginner swimming brothers flirted with an ambulance ride to the emergency room (or being peed on by the hot Coast Guard guys) while poking dead jellyfish with unidentifiable washed up sea trash and driftwood.


I wondered later if the "jellyfish" the mischief brothers maniacally impaled were the missing silicone (or was it saline?) halves of a decent C-cup rack. After all, we were at a Southern California beach and the boys' orb torture targets were round, squishy, transluscent and lacked tentacles as far as I could see from the top of the sandy beach, where I feebly schmoozed with the other corporate wives.

My schmoozing topics left much to be desired (Is there a corporate wife schmoozing 101 course I don't know about? Sign me up pronto so I can get an easy F!):

"Did you know the New Hampshire State motto is 'Live Free or Die' and one of the outrigging teams is named 'Live Free or Die ... Rowing'? What a coincidence! How clever!" Or not.

"Yeah. I love baking cupcakes with the kids too. What a joy!" What a bunch of bullshit. I hate baking with the kids because it gets too messy too fast. And I don't savor the taste nor texture of bitten off plastic spatula accidentally baked into my Jiffy popovers.

"I agree." I said these two words a ton but had no idea what I agreed to because my eyes were too busy darting willy nilly around the beach in the three directions of my children like I'd just eaten two hits of Purple Jesus in a strobe flickering rave room. I really hope I didn't unknowingly agree that the Coast Guard rowing studs would have looked more appetizing if they hadn't shave their ripped chests. (Hey, do raves even happen anymore? I'm dating myself, me thinks.)

Well, that's it for now. It's time to unpack our sandy duds and unearth the seventeen craps my cat took in the cat box while we were away. At least Trixie cat didn't eat her young (kittens) in our absence. Now that we're back, I'll leave that to my crazy curious kids.

Tomorrow brings Cheeks' second Itsy Bitsy Sports class. Basketball is the reason because it's in-season. Shee-a, not funny. There will be plenty of local yocal moms to smchmooze with there. Let's just hope I don't blow it a la San Diego. Who cares? They'll be too busy snapping proud-parent digital pics of their kids to notice my social drivel. Last week all in attendance, except yours truly, hailed the motherly merits of scrapbooking for a good ten minutes. Gag me with a 3D, acid-free photo corner.

By the way, Cheeks didn't errupt into a single tantrum in San Diego. No complaints were filed on the part of our fellow hotel guests, and he slept through the night (on the very edge of the hotel bed ... We found him dangling upside down crying on Saturday night, with the lower half of his newly tanned body anchored to the mattress. Wisps of sun-bleached hair on the top of his upside down head brushed the carpet. I couldn't stop chuckling, which really pissed him off ... He didn't like me calling him a "fruit bat boy" either. Hey don't sloths also hang upside down from trees when they sleep ... ).

What child wouldn't crash through the night after two days in the San Diego sun, poking salt water filled breast implants/jellyfish that washed up on the salty shore? Seems as if evolution has come full circle.

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33 Comments:

At 5:35 PM, Blogger Karen said...

fortunately for me my husband's company is too cheap-ass to do anything that would include spousing and children eating/drinking - also, they seem to be philosophically against having spouses and children. This prevents me from having so shmooze, though it also prevents me from seeing my husband at dinner pretty regularly.
On another note, every time we are at the beach my kids sleep really well and I wonder "why don't I live here all the time?" and then I wonder if it would "wear off."

 
At 5:45 PM, Blogger Domestic Slackstress said...

Karen - Yes, the beach vibe does wear off for a while. We live relatively close to a picturesque SoCal beach and we rarely go, except in the summer. In the summer, it's an every Friday deal.

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger crazymumma said...

You are honestly one of the funniest people out here in bloggy land.

Hilarious!

 
At 11:33 PM, Blogger Lara said...

it was obviously a breast implant. socal beaches are not exactly known for sealife. more for toxic waste.

boy, i miss socal sometimes. :-P

 
At 1:36 AM, Blogger Domestic Slackstress said...

Lara - I'm with you. The darned things probably were breast implants. That said, they must have been top grade because they weren't yet deflated, even after a presumably long, arduous journey in the polluted SoCal sea!

Thanks for checking in so often. I really need to get off my ... stop lurking and leave some comments on others' blogs. I've been slacking.

 
At 8:47 AM, Anonymous Suburban Oblivion said...

Uggggggg..I feel ya on that. We go to events for my husband's job and I swear they think I'm an idiot- I never know what to say!!!

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger Mike Todd said...

"Gag me with a 3D, acid-free photo corner." That's quality stuff right there. I'd say I lol'd if I were the type of person to say lol, which I'm not. But still.

 
At 1:38 PM, Anonymous kellypea said...

Had to have been breast implants. Britney is supposed to be here tonight from what I've heard. She probably lost them in the surf or something. And you're lucky you actually found the sun while you were here -- we couldn't find any. Brrr...

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger jeanie said...

Darn - someone else found "Gag me with a 3D, acid-free photo corner." hilariously funny and pipped me!

Its funny, but of all those muffin-baking corporate housewives on the beach, you are probably the one I would like to talk to mose - I wonder how many of the camoflaged corporate housewives in that mob murmuring "I agree" would agree with me?

 
At 3:37 AM, Blogger Rach said...

You got to love a little bit of sandblasting to blow the cobwebs away.
I laughed so hard at the breast implant story, chances are they were, look in the glam mags to see who's missing a pair!

 
At 7:16 AM, Anonymous Kim said...

I laughed at the "bunch of bullshit" re: baking with the kids comment. You know why? Because I totally agree! Too bloody messy.

I really should have done more cooking with my children...oh well, shoulda, woulda, coulda.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger moodswingingmommy said...

You had me at "buff US Coast Guard Team eye candy." I couldn't concentrate on anything but my fantasy past that point.

Oh, how I hate to schmooze at corporate functions! If you find a course, let me know.

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Little Nut Tree said...

I would type a comment but I'm too busy laughing my arse off!!

Funny, funny lady...

First time here .. Hello :)

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

Lol! Unlike Mr. Man above, I do say lol, way too often in fact, and I am not afraid to say it here. I absolutely adore your blog. It is intelligent, snarky, hilarious, a ton of other great adjectives.
Sometimes when I haven't checked in for awhile, and then I come and read like five or six entries at once, I wonder to myself how I can forget to come more often. Keep up the good (and entertaining) work.

 
At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it could have really been a dead jelly fish. I recently was on vacation with my parents in Cocoa Beach, FL, and while walking along the shore with my mom I stumbled across a round, translucent blob that fits the description you gave of the "jellyfish". It's funny, because I joked with her that someone had lost their implants, and now here, you're speculating the same thing. After being wary of picking them up because we figured they were jellyfish, we continued down the beach, and found yet another one! So we asked one of the locals on the beach what they were, and they confirmed that it was indeed a jellyfish. Apparently the tentacles come off after they've washed up on the shore. (I can't really tell you why that would be, because the local was not a marine life expert as far as I'm aware.) But anyways, we found it was completely harmless to pick them up and hold them. However, it sounds like your boys had a little one-way jousting match with the blob, and that's when the dead ones become dangerous. I suppose since your "jellyfish" was found on the west coast, and I found mine on the east coast, yours could be an implant and not a jellyfish. Who can really know :)

 
At 12:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it could have really been a dead jelly fish. I recently was on vacation with my parents in Cocoa Beach, FL, and while walking along the shore with my mom I stumbled across a round, translucent blob that fits the description you gave of the "jellyfish". It's funny, because I joked with her that someone had lost their implant, and now here, you're speculating the same thing. After being wary of picking them up because we figured they were jellyfish, we continued down the beach, and found yet another one! So we asked one of the locals on the beach what they were, and they confirmed that it was indeed a jellyfish. Apparently the tentacles come off after they've washed up on the shore. (I can't really tell you why that would be, because the local was not a marine life expert as far as I'm aware.) But anyways, we found it was completely harmless to pick them up and hold them. However, it sounds like your boys had a little one-way jousting match with the blob, and that's when the dead ones become dangerous. I suppose since your "jellyfish" was found on the west coast, and I found mine on the east coast, it could be different. Yours could be an implant and not a jellyfish. Who can really know :)

 
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