Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Cali - The Land of Fruit and Truck Nuts

What do a pair of low-hanging balls and a pair of missing front teeth have in common? C'mon. Try harder. You can't guess?

Well I never would have guessed either ... that both bizarre pairs would color my day yesterday. One blushed my cheeks to pink and the other whitewashed my face to an even paler shade of pale.

Let's start with the danglers. There I was sitting at a red light at a busy crosswalk on the local city college campus. Cheeks and Pigtails gazed straight ahead, out the front windshield, right along with their cold coffee-guzzling mama at the iPod plugged up 18 to 24 set. The three of us were blissfully glazed over six-feet deep into our collegiate people watching when a yacht-sized Chevy Tahoe pulled up next to us in the wake of its own Richter scale bass booms.

I rolled my eyes and rolled up my minivan windows. (I know. What a shock that a suburban mom of three drives a friggin' minivan and shudders in response to bombastic bass. Duh.) I shifted my annoyed gaze downward as the Tahoe inched forward, nearly nudging the bumper of the Toyota hybrid in front of it. Ironic.

Perhaps by now you've heard the term "deez nuts." Then again, not all moms listen to hip-hop day-in and day-out like I do. Well, as I glanced downward below the Tahoe's bumper, I noticed a stoplight red pair of "deez nuts " swinging gently to and fro in the spot where a boat hook would normally stick out. Truck balls are the new antennae ball gone plural and flipped upside down from the back end. TRUCK BALLS?

Yes, a plastic red pair of what appeared to be human testicle replicas hung low from the danged Tahoe. If they didn't suck hard enough already, they lacked authenticity for a number of reasons: they were perfectly smooth, they glinted, perfectly reflecting the Southern California sun, both balls were perfectly even in size and neither hung higher or lower than the other, and THEY dangled NOT FROM A MAN, BUT A FROM A TRUCK, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

It's too (coffee draught) early in the morning to go into the gummy gaps that appeared instead teeth in the trucker-swearing mouths of two of my fellow parenting class students last night. After only one class out of the nine to come, I can already confidently say that I'm a far better mother than I thought. I think I was the only mother there of my own volition, not by court order. I'll share the horror stories from class when I'm on a full stomach later.

Hopefully the recent ball-dangling fad doesn't hang on. Oh, and, uh, truck squirrels, please keep your balls to your nut hoarding selves.

BALL-CENTRIC UPDATE: I Googled "truck balls" and found this lame ad copy: "Bumper nuts, bumper balls, truck nutz, truck balls, truck nuts, hitch nuts, big balls, bulls balls, bull balls, big boy nuts, bike balls, car balls and hanging nuts are not all the same thing, our imitators would like you to think so." Thanks Bulls Balls company, "home of the Big'Uns," for making my day a little nuttier.

I can rest easier at night knowing that Bulls Balls' Truck Nuts "are available in four styles, many colors including Bright Chrome, Bright Brass, Diamond Plate and Camouflage" that will "hang easily on all your rigs, in many ways. They're made to Swing™!" How appropriate that in the "How to Hang Bumper Balls" FAQ over at Bumper Nuts, the manufacturer advises against hanging truck balls from your rig with CHICKEN WIRE. What does that tell you about the type of folks they're addressing?

Maybe, just maybe, my Dodge minivan can be the first mama-mobile to sport a saggy pair of post-breastfeeding flapjack boobs. What's next? Episiotomy car-ginas? What other inanimate objects can our sex-salivating society sexualize? More importantly, when I can have balls on my blender?

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At 7:31 AM, Blogger Just Me said...

I've never actually seen any of the truck balls, but I can tell you I hate them! There is a family that has them on their truck in our neighborhood and my group of friends make fun of them all the time. It's just so white trash, kind of like the calvin stickers (hate them) and the Nascar crap.

At 8:30 AM, Blogger Pendullum said...

I cannot believe it...Truck balls???

At 9:41 AM, Blogger Lara said...

i already could've told you that you're a far better mother than you thought, but then, you weren't thinking too much of yourself when you signed up for the class (at least, you didn't seem to from your posts). we love you. :)

even people with truck balls love you - they just don't know it.

At 11:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok- so guys that drive obnoxiously large trucks are compensating for the size of their tiny 'truck'- what do you suppose a straight-male is trying to say by hanging balls from his bumper? well.... the curiosity was killing me- about 4 months ago I was driving behind some dangly balls and I had to catch up and ask what was up- the guy looked at me funny (yeah, he looked at ME funny) and simply said " I never really thought about it I just thought it was funny" what about gross big ol balls hanging from a truck is funny? That you make me dry heave? Gross-

At 12:02 PM, Blogger In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Ok-instead of ears, let's use the word balls, class...."Do your balls hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your balls. hang. low???"

At 2:29 PM, Blogger Honeybell said...

I live in the heart of red neck country, so I've more than my fair share of a pair. I dread the day Goofy Boy asks "Honey? What are those?"

At 11:05 PM, Anonymous karentorres said...

I have seen this in my neighborhood w/ gravel trucks going by. OMG, I could not believe it either. gross!!!

At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Geez, I guess I,ll have to remove mine when you come visit in a few weeks. lol.

At 10:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Call me a car-dec hater: the balls make me vomit a little in my mouth every time I see them, but you know what else I can't stand? Those rear window decals with the stick figure families. Papa, mom, Kel, Jojo, and Zero (cat!).
Quick, someone cover that up with a set of truck nuts!

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Em said...

This whole concept makes me laugh! I've got to figure out ways to work bumper balls into my conversations all weekend.

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Mama Sarita said...

That is so nasty!! I have seen them before. bleeech

my husband is threatening to get a pair for his vespa scooter.

At 4:49 PM, Blogger amelia said...

Just be glad you don't live in Texas! I see them way too often here--in fact my step-brother proudly hangs some from his giant Texan Ford F150. They always gross me out.

At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Jordan said...

Does anyone know if you can get these in the uk, wud be funny just for a laugh nearly as big as my car.

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